It is incredibly sad to have to acknowledge it, but as psychiatrist José Carbonell explains on his social networks, “one cannot be that good.” Carbonell, who uses his social media to share content related to psychiatry and psychology, explains in one of his videos that kindness or personal altruism are good traits up to a certain point. He talks about the importance of setting personal boundaries to safeguard our mental health, for unfortunately, there are very few times we will receive what we give to others selflessly.
He reminds us of the importance of self-love and not allowing others to take advantage of actions that stem from kindness and selflessness. Unfortunately, we live in an increasingly individualistic world where it is not taken into account that on the other side of relationships (of any kind), there is another human being who feels and suffers, so one must be consistent with their actions. In light of this, Carbonell advises putting on the armor of personal boundaries and trying not to exceed in altruistic gestures to avoid people taking advantage of that kindness.
José Carbonell
Dr. José Carbonell Casasus opened his own practice in Palma de Mallorca in 1961, the Carbonell Institute. It is a multidisciplinary center for mental health treatment and prevention, offering psychiatry and psychology services. Prior to opening his center, he trained at the University of Medicine of Navarra, completing his surgical internship at Harvard University in Boston, United States. Later, he moved to London, where he specialized in Psychiatry and joined the British Medical Association and the Royal College of Psychiatrists in London.
He complemented his training with a Master’s in Research and Theory in Psychiatry from University College London in England. He utilizes the website of his center, Instituto Carbonell, and his profiles on social media such as Instagram and TikTok to disseminate information related to psychiatry and psychology.
Self-love, self-esteem, and personal boundaries
In the constant learning of social skills, humans must keep several aspects very much in mind: self-esteem, self-love, and personal boundaries. In the case of self-esteem, the European Institute of Positive Psychology (IEPP) defines it as “the concept we have of our own value, based on the feelings, thoughts, sensations, and experiences we have concerning ourselves”. On the other hand, self-love was defined by the psychotherapist Nathaniel Branden, known as the ‘father of the self-esteem movement,’ as “the sum of two components: self-efficacy (the confidence in our ability to think and face the challenges of life) and self-respect (the right to be happy and to defend our own interests and needs)”.
Regarding personal boundaries, the definition varies in details depending on the psychological approach taken, but essentially they all agree. From a cognitive-behavioral perspective, boundaries are defined as “Establishing personal boundaries is seen as the ability to express our needs, desires, and rights clearly and respectfully, without harming others, but also without allowing others to step over us. It is not just about saying ‘no’, but about communicating our boundaries effectively, which involves recognizing our own rights and those of others”.
What does Carbonell say?
In the videos shared by Dr. Carbonell, he explains that on many occasions, the altruistic and kind nature of people can be a double-edged sword. Not everyone will reciprocate that unconditional support, love, and empathy, and some may even take advantage of those qualities. Although he explained that he found it very sad to have to say this, he argued that “you can’t be that good”.
In a world that is becoming increasingly individualized, where it seems we are losing the ability to feel and empathize, and where only personal needs and goals seem to matter, it is very difficult for people not to take advantage of the kindness of others. This is why he believes it is very necessary for us as social beings to learn to set and use our personal boundaries, through which we can say “enough is enough”, and not continue offering all our kindness and empathy to people who do not appreciate it.
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